O Honorable Lord and Master:
Greetings O Wise and Wonderful One, and allow me to convey certain news items that will undoubtedly be of great interest to you.
By lucky happenstance I discovered last week that Crown Prince Eirik of Norway, a keen yachtsman, had persuaded the Nobel Prize Committee to award you a Special Nobel Prize for spreading knowledge of peace and seamanship to the great unwashed masses — a first of its kind.
I went into action immediately. As you in your infinite wisdom are well aware, members of your Silent Fan Club are forbidden to contact you or praise in any way your unmatched intelligence and unrivalled literary skills. Because membership is automatic until a member is expelled, you have the biggest fan club the world has ever known.
Obviously, the last thing the Crown Prince and the august Nobel prize Committee would want is to be expelled from the Silent Fan Club for accidentally praising you in public.
Your magnificence will therefore be pleased to hear how your humble servant has resolved the matter:
Ø I contacted Scandinavian Airlines System, which had planned to fly you and your entourage to Oslo free and first-class for the ceremony. They have now torn up your tickets and promised to make you pay double if you ever want to fly to Norway.
Ø The Hotel Splendifique in Oslo has canceled your free reservations for the Suite Majestique for the month of July and has erased all record of your name from its computers.
Ø I am pleased to report that I was able to speak to Katie Couric personally and she has canceled your appearance on her TV show.
Ø Random House has abandoned plans for your best-seller and book signings.
Ø After some difficulty I was able to persuade the Pacific Seacraft company to intercept delivery of a new 34-foot ocean-cruising sloop they had planned as a surprise for you. They will now be donating it to the homeless.
Ø Finally, President Obama has canceled the White House reception in your honor. I’m told Mr. Boehner was very relieved because he had told Mr. Obama he wouldn’t come anyway, on principle.
I am proud to have been of service to you in this manner.
I close with admiration for your sage-like utterances, your ready wit and charm, the subtle thrust and parry of your sparkling repartee, and the wisdom, Solomon-like, that graces your princely brow.
Yours Humbly and Obediently,
Yours Humbly and Obediently,
IVOR TUNGIN-CHEAQUE (Chairman, Vigor’s Silent Fan Club)
PS: Please excuse the writing. They’ve given me a new strait-jacket and I haven’t managed to stretch it yet.
Today’s ThoughtTo communicate through silence is a link between the thoughts of man.
— Marcel Marceau
Tailpiece“I hear they’re now making a roller that helps you lose weight.”
“Yeah, a flesh-reducing roller. My wife has had one for two weeks.”
“ Any results?’
“Yeah, the roller’s much thinner.”
(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)