O Honorable Lord and
Master:
Greetings O Wise and Wonderful
One, and allow me to convey certain news items that will undoubtedly be of
great interest to you.
By lucky happenstance I
discovered last week that Crown Prince Eirik of Norway, a keen yachtsman, had
persuaded the Nobel Prize Committee to award you a Special Nobel Prize for
spreading knowledge of peace and seamanship to the great unwashed masses — a
first of its kind.
I went into action
immediately. As you in your infinite wisdom are well aware, members of your
Silent Fan Club are forbidden to contact you or praise in any way your
unmatched intelligence and unrivalled literary skills. Because membership is
automatic until a member is expelled, you have the biggest fan club the world
has ever known.
Obviously, the last thing
the Crown Prince and the august Nobel prize Committee would want is to be
expelled from the Silent Fan Club for accidentally praising you in public.
Your magnificence will
therefore be pleased to hear how your humble servant has resolved the matter:
Ø I contacted Scandinavian
Airlines System, which had planned to fly you and your entourage to Oslo free
and first-class for the ceremony. They
have now torn up your tickets and promised to make you pay double if you ever
want to fly to Norway.
Ø The Hotel Splendifique in
Oslo has canceled your free reservations for the Suite Majestique for the month
of July and has erased all record of your name from its computers.
Ø I am pleased to report that I was able to speak
to Katie Couric personally and she has canceled your appearance on her TV show.
Ø Random House has
abandoned plans for your best-seller and book signings.
Ø After some difficulty I
was able to persuade the Pacific Seacraft company to intercept delivery of a
new 34-foot ocean-cruising sloop they had planned as a surprise for you. They
will now be donating it to the homeless.
Ø Finally, President Obama
has canceled the White House reception in your honor. I’m told Mr. Boehner was
very relieved because he had told Mr. Obama he wouldn’t come anyway, on
principle.
I am proud to have been of
service to you in this manner.
I close with admiration
for your sage-like utterances, your ready wit and charm, the subtle thrust and
parry of your sparkling repartee, and the wisdom, Solomon-like, that graces
your princely brow.
Yours Humbly and Obediently,
Yours Humbly and Obediently,
IVOR TUNGIN-CHEAQUE (Chairman, Vigor’s Silent Fan Club)
PS: Please excuse the writing. They’ve
given me a new strait-jacket and I haven’t managed to stretch it yet.
Today’s Thought
To communicate through silence is a link between the thoughts of
man.— Marcel Marceau
Tailpiece
“I hear they’re now making
a roller that helps you lose weight.”“Yeah, a flesh-reducing roller. My wife has had one for two weeks.”
“ Any results?’
“Yeah, the roller’s much thinner.”
(Drop by
every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)
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