How to kiss a girl sailor

ONE OF THE MOST interesting queries I’ve ever received came from a Texas reader, Frank Barthwell, who wanted to know how to kiss a girl with a boat. “I seek your advice on a personal matter,” he wrote. “This is the situation: I have met a charming girl and have invited her out on a first date. But she is a keen sailor and lives on her own boat in a marina. I have never sailed so I’m not sure of the protocol here.

“Firstly, where do I kiss her goodnight? At the head of the gangway leading down to the concrete walkways? At the locked gate at the beginning of the walkways? At (but not on) her boat? Or in the cockpit? (I think it’s the cockpit. That hole at the back.)

“Secondly, do girl sailors kiss any different from ordinary girls? I mean, will she expect a peck on the cheek, a brush on the lips, a straight full-court press, or vigorous osculation with labial intrusion?

“Any help in advance would be appreciated.”

► Well, I told Frank that I’m no expert on these things. (And I said that not only because my wife reads this column but also because it’s true. Honestly, dear.) Nevertheless, I have met a few woman sailors in my time and one thing they had in common was that they knew what they wanted and were pretty good at getting it.

So I told Frank that he should just relax and be himself and let her do the leading, which I was sure she would do. She must have dealt with landlubbers before. “You won’t be the first,” I assured him. “So if she pauses at the head of the gangway, cocks her head toward you archly, and pushes her lips into a kiss shape, that’s your goodnight signal. She’ll see herself home from there.

“On the other hand, if she keeps going all the way to the boat without stopping, don’t get left behind. Stay close. Wait for the pause and the cocked head just before she steps aboard. That’s goodnight. But ... if she disappears down below without pausing, follow her quickly. That’s an invitation to stay for coffee, after which she’ll undoubtedly offer to show you the Golden Rivet*. Lucky you.”

Now that I think about it, I imagine that kissing techniques vary from woman to woman, but I think it’s safe (according to books I’ve read, dear, not personal experience) to assume she’d be happy to start with normal, gentle, lip-to-lip contact, and if she wanted something more hectic than that, she would show Frank how to do it.

I never heard from Frank again, so I presume it all went well and they’re now living happily ever after.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_rivet

Today’s Thought

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.

—Mistinguett

Tailpiece
“As I’ve known you for so long, doctor, I won’t insult you by paying you a fee. Instead, I’ve made generous provision for you in my will.”

“Really? That’s very kind of you – and may I glance at the prescription again? There’s a small alteration I’d like to make.”

Miss Maritime Manners

A TEXAS READER, Frank Barthwell, wants to know how to kiss a girl with a boat. “I seek your advice on a personal matter,” he writes. “This is the situation: I have met a charming girl and have invited her out on a first date. But she is a keen sailor and lives on her own boat in a marina. I have never sailed so I’m not sure of the protocol here.

“Firstly, where do I kiss her goodnight? At the head of the gangway leading down to the concrete walkways? At the locked gate at the beginning of the walkways? At (but not on) her boat? Or in the cockpit? (I think it’s the cockpit. That hole at the back.)

“Secondly, do girl sailors kiss any different from ordinary girls? I mean, will she expect a peck on the cheek, a brush on the lips, a straight full-court press, or vigorous osculation with labial intrusion?

“Any help in advance would be appreciated.”

► Well, Frank, I’m no expert on these things. (And I say that not only because my wife might read this, but also because it’s true. Honestly, dear.) Nevertheless, I have met a few woman sailors in my time and one thing they had in common was that they knew what they wanted and were pretty good at getting it.

So I think you should just relax and be yourself and let her do the leading, which I’m sure she will do. She must have dealt with landlubbers before. You won’t be the first. So if she pauses at the head of the gangway, cocks her head toward you archly, and pushes her lips into a kiss shape, that’s your goodnight signal. She’ll see herself home from there.

On the other hand, if she keeps going all the way to the boat without stopping, don’t get left behind. Stay close. Wait for the pause and the cocked head just before she steps aboard. That’s goodnight. But ... if she disappears down below without pausing, follow her quickly. That’s an invitation to stay for coffee, after which she’ll undoubtedly offer to show you the Golden Rivet[1]. Lucky you.

PS: I would imagine that kissing choices vary from woman to woman, but I think it’s safe (according to books I’ve read, dear, not personal experience) to assume she’ll be happy to start with normal, gentle, lip-to-lip contact, and if she wants something more hectic than that, she will show you how to do it.

[1]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_rivet

Today’s Thought
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
—Mistinguett

Boaters’ Rules of Thumb, #212
What defines a voyage, as opposed to a passage? Well, the old Cape Horners regarded a voyage as the full journey, out and back. A trip between any two ports was not a voyage but a passage.

Tailpiece
“As I’ve known you for so long, doctor, I won’t insult you by paying you a fee. Instead, I’ve made generous provision for you in my will.”
“Really? That’s very kind of you – and may I glance at the prescription again? There’s a small alteration I’d like to make.”

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

Is kissing safe at sea?

Cleopatra's "barge." After Mark Anthony kissed this topless temptress,  he died. Eventually. So did she. There is surely a lesson here for all sailors.

CAN YOU KISS YOUR CREW and effectively remain in full command of your vessel?

I ask because it is important for the safety of the boat and crew that there should be only one captain on a boat; one person to praise for every successful voyage and one person to blame for every dreadful disaster, no matter who among the crew was actually responsible. That is the way it is and that is the way it has always been.

It is equally important that the crew should spring into action and execute the captain’s commands promptly and without question. There must therefore be a divide between captain and crew. An emotional gap. A wide crevasse in the, um, glacier of intimacy.

But what is a kiss if it isn’t the absolute epitome of intimacy?

For reasons not readily apparent to most of us, the very thin skin covering the lips is furnished with many millions of nerve endings, making the edges of the mouth vastly more sensitive and receptive to the sense of touch than almost any other part of the body.

Now, when you kiss someone — that is, when you place your lips against those of another person, and then press and squirm them according to the widely accepted practice of osculation — you excite those nerve endings. Your heart takes notice, wonders what’s going on, and begins to beat faster, leading to feelings of love, tenderness, and intimacy quite inimical to your position as captain.

In short, if you kiss your crew, you have lost control. There is no hope for you. For example, you may recall Cleopatra, reclining in luxurious splendor, floating down the Nile in her barge with her superstructure provocatively unrigged. Mark Anthony, watching her pass by, was reduced to such a trembling state of passion and desire that he was never able to control himself (or her) thereafter and they both committed suicide. I leave you to draw your own conclusions about that, but I might observe here that undesirable situations like this often start with an innocent little kiss. Crews who have been kissed by captains seem to imagine they have suddenly acquired certain rights of equality, and can now take part in decisions affecting the command of the boat. They think they can argue back, or fall into deep sulks, instead of fending off the dock, or unblocking the clogged head, as ordered.

Therefore I urge you, as captain, to refrain from kissing aboard. You should explain to your wife, paramour, or substitute Cleopatra that it is nothing personal. It is all about the safety of the ship and the crew.

Lives — including hers — may depend on not kissing.

Today’s Thought

Kissing ... in the old days was very beautiful. Actually the two people doing it were barely touching sometimes, in order not to push her face out of shape. You were doing it for the audience to see what in their minds they always think a kiss is. Now you see a couple of people start chewing on each other.

— Ronald Reagan

Boaters’ Rules of Thumb, #96

Sleep deprivation. Lack of sleep combined with fatigue often causes hallucinations among ocean voyagers. One study showed that 50 percent of the competitors in a singlehanded race across the North Atlantic experienced one or more illusions or hallucinations. The rule of thumb is not to be unduly frightened by hallucinations. They will not permanently harm your brain. They will disappear as soon as you get some decent sleep.

Tailpiece

The enraged personal assistant called her boss’s wife.

“Your husband tries to hold me and kiss me,” she complained.

“Oh sure, honey,” said the wife, “he was like that with me when we first got married. But don’t worry, he soon gets over it.”

(Drop by Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)