No more lies about size of waves

THE COMING OF SPRING in the northern hemisphere ushers in a sense of renewal, a sense of refreshment and commitment to improvement. Spring always makes me want to be a better person than I was, which, admittedly is not difficult. This new sailing season I shall, once again, attempt to follow the Ten Commandments for Sailboat Owners:

1. Thou shalt not lie about the size of the waves, nor yet of the speed of the wind which hath assailed thee.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s gorgeous Hinckley nor his adorable wife.

3. Thou shalt not curse the weather forecaster unless severely provoked.

4. Thou shalt not pour scorn upon the Coast Guard boarding party, yea even though thine potty be legal.

5. Thou shalt slow down both in the marina and the anchorage; neither shall thine junior offspring run amok in the outboard dinghy.

6. Thou shalt not stamp thine foot, nor beat thine breast, nor rent the air with thine fists when thou receivest thy bill for engine repairs, for it frighteneth the children

7. Thou shalt not laugh openly at thine seasick mother-in-law.

8. Thou shalt not neglect to switch on the cooling water before starting the engine and blame it upon thine spouse.

9. Thou shalt not lie about when last thou changed the engine oil.

10. Thou shalt honor thine foredeck crew, and refrain from assailing them with raiséd voice, for they are the salt of the earth.

And one more for the helluvit:

11. Thou shall not allow thine halyards to smite thine mast, lest it arouse sleeplessness and bitterness among thy neighbors.

Today’s Thought

We must do the thing we must

Before the thing we may;

We are unfit for any trust

Till we can and do obey.

— George Macdonald, Willie’s Question

Tailpiece

“What happened to your ear?”

“Well, I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally put the iron to my ear.”

“Bummer. And what happened to the other ear?”

“Well, I had to call 911, didn’t I?”

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

Another 10 for spring

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

WITH SPRING cometh another Ten Commandments for the new sailing season:
1. Thou shalt not lie about the size of the waves, nor yet of the speed of the wind which hath assailed thee.
2.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s gorgeous Hinckley nor his adorable wife.
3. Thou shalt not curse the weather forecaster any more than is absolutely necessary.
4. Thou shalt not pour scorn upon the Coast Guard boarding party, yea even though thine potty be legal.
5. Thou shalt slow down both in the marina and the anchorage; neither shall thine junior offspring run amok in the outboard dinghy.
6. Thou shalt not stamp thine foot, nor beat thine breast, nor rent the air with thine fists when thou receivest thine bill for engine repairs, for it frighteneth the children
7. Thou shalt not laugh openly at thine seasick mother-in-law.
8. Thou shalt not yet again neglect to switch on the cooling water before starting the engine and blame it upon thine spouse.
9. Thou shalt not lie about when last thou changed the engine oil.
10. Honor thine foredeck crew, and refrain from assailing them with raiséd voice, for they are the salt of the earth.
And one more for the helluvit:
11. Allow not thine halyards to smite thine mast repeatedly, lest it arouse sleeplessness, enmity, and bitterness among thy neighbors.

Today’s Thought
We must do the thing we must
Before the thing we may;
We are unfit for any trust
Till we can and do obey.
— George Macdonald, Willie’s Question

Boaters’ Rules of Thumb, #28
The French scientist and adventurer Dr. Alain Bombard maintained that nine out of 10 castaways adrift at sea die within three days, despite the fact that it takes longer than that to perish of hunger and thirst. Studies indicate that panic and loss of morale are the chief causes of death. Both may be reduced substantially by careful preparation (mental and physical) for being cast away.

Tailpiece
“What happened to your ear?”
“Well, I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally put the iron to my ear.”
“Bummer. And what happened to the other ear?”
“Well, I had to call 911, didn’t I?”

Sailing commandments

FOR THE FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS of the Simple Sailors’ Club (Motto: If it ain’t broke, break it before you fix it), here followeth Vigor’s First Ten Commandments of Sailing:

1. Thou shalt not secretly race another boat when cruising, save that the other skipper knoweth thou racest.
2. Thou shalt refrain from loosing foulsome invective in the direction of thine crew, notwithstanding their gross incompetence in handling the spinnaker.
3. Thou shalt not anchor too close to any boat with a bikini-clad crew, lest thy faithful spouse smite thee.
4. Thou shalt not run thy generator all night, whence cometh great grief for thine neighbors, and much rending of hair and beating of breasts.
5. Thou shalt decline to laugh out loud at he who runneth aground, yea, though the idiot listeneth not to your advice.
6. Thou shalt confine thine peeing overboard to the side of the boat away from which the wind bloweth.
7. Thou shalt resist the impulse to hire a witch to place a spell on the boatyard manager whose bill maketh thee unhappy and broke.
8. Thou shalt not grab the free reciprocity berth if thou hath not paid thine yacht-club dues.
9. Thou shalt not conveniently forget to include the bowsprit when paying thine marina fees by the foot.
10. Thou shalt promptly retire from the race or do thine penalty turns without whining if thou touchest the windward mark, yea verily, even if no-one observeth your touching.

Today’s Thought
We never waste space saying, “On the one hand.” We just state an opinion in a Godlike voice.
— Arthur Christiansen, Editor, London Daily Express

Readers’ Comments
Following last week’s column on the Automatic Identification System (AIS), my friend Jennifer Moran writes from Australia:

Hello John,

As an interim measure (and a much cheaper one), if you have an iPhone, you can download the receive version of AIS from the App Store for a very small amount of money. Alternatively, if you have a laptop with wireless broadband or some other way of accessing the internet on your boat, you can go to:

http://www.marinetraffic.com/ais/

It's fantastic!

Boaters’ Rules of Thumb #6
Anchor weight. Good design is what helps anchors hold, but weight is what helps them dig into the sea bed in the first place. A good rule of thumb for plow anchors is to allow one pound of anchor weight for every foot of your boat’s length on deck.

Tailpiece
“Any hint of a proposal yet, dear?”
“Yes, mother, several. But he just ignores them.”