LIKE MOST PEOPLE who have
gotten used to traveling slowly in sailboats, I have often been angered by the
irresponsibility of powerboaters who drag large, dangerous wakes behind them.
Let me say straight away
that this is not a rant against powerboaters per se. There are considerate
powerboaters and inconsiderate ones, and while I’m quite sure the former vastly
outnumber the latter, the memories of the latter are what stick in my mind.
I’ll never forget
something Robert Hale, of Seattle, once wrote. He was the former respected
publisher of the annual Waggoner Cruising
Guide for the waters of the Pacific Northwest of the USA. In the 2003
edition he wrote:
“Shortly after going from
sail to power, I came to understand what I call the First Rule of Powerboating:
Never Look Back.
“Because, if we powerboat
skippers would look back, we would be appalled at what we do to other boats.”
Coming from a powerboater,
that was a very honest and refreshing statement. It actually inspired me to
invent a curse for sailors to use when faced with enormous wakes that
inconvenience other boats and even threaten to capsize or swamp smaller
vessels.
It’s a curse that might
help you to vent your fury harmlessly in circumstances where you might
otherwise be tempted to reach for your rifle and let Nature take its course.
This, in fact, is one of four examples in a chapter devoted to curses in my
book How to Rename your Boat — and 19
Other Useful Ceremonies, Superstitions, Prayers, Rituals, and Curses.
This is what I wish for
the powerboat wash-hogs, or PAFIs as I call them.*
A CURSE FOR LEAVING A
LARGE WAKE
Woe to you, thou
beslubbering speedhog!
May your filters choke and
your injectors freeze.
May every ill befalling a
boat bring you to your knees.
May you run out of whisky,
and ice cubes, too.
May there be no more
pleasure for you or your crew.
May all your bronze
tarnish and your varnish all flake.
May your batteries die and
your propellers shake.
May your anchors drag and
your bilges overflow.
May you rot in a hell
where they make you go slow.
Curse you! Curse you! My
curse be upon you wherever you go!
*Power Assisted F...ing
Idiots
Today’s
Thought
I
sent down to the rum mill on the corner and hired an artist by the week to sit
up nights and curse that stranger.
— Mark Twain, A Mysterious Visit
Tailpiece
It’s too bad that by the
time we get old enough not to care what anybody says about us, nobody’s saying
anything about us.
