I AM SOMEWHAT dismayed to see that Teleflora is urging the public to celebrate forthcoming Father’s Day with a “Captain Carefree Bouquet.” It consists of a blue ceramic bowl filled with frilly flowers and a small white sail. I am dismayed because I wouldn’t want the general public to think that any of the macho skippers I know would want to be labeled as Captain Carefree.
In the first place, my old Concise Oxford Dictionary, which was apparently published shortly after The Ark grounded on Mt. Ararat, defines carefree as “gay.” I know the meaning of gay has changed since Noah’s time, but “carefree” to me still suggests twinkle-toed and limp-wristed. Nothing wrong with that, of course, in these days of equal gender rights, but it does tend to mislead people about the character of the broad-chested mighty men who skipper sailboats.
We’re hot-blooded pirates at heart, dammit. Captain Blackbeards, all of us, charged by nature to loot and burn and drink hard liquor and chase comely women. What would we do with a fancy Captain Carefree Bouquet consisting of yellow spray roses, blue delphiniums, and white daisy spray chrysanthemums in “a blue keepsake sailboat” that doesn’t even have a rudder or a keel?
People are forever saying that it’s the thought that counts, and that’s what worries me. Apparently Teleflora thinks it’s okay for people to spend from $40 to $60 for Father’s Day flowers more suitable for a lady’s boudoir than a captain’s cabin. They call the most expensive $60 Captain Carefree Bouquet the “premium.” I can’t imagine what the difference, is except that maybe they throw in a few extra pansies.
Hell, if you want to send us flowers for Father’s Day, lord help us, at least make it a keepsake beer mug filled with poison ivy, stinging nettles, toadstools, deadly nightshade, snakegrass and other manly stuff. (Just not Brussels sprouts, okay? There are limits.)
Otherwise, forget the blue delphiniums and just send the money. Sixty dollars-worth of, say, Captain Morgan rum would make a sailing father far happier than $60-worth of fancy flowers on his special day.
Today’s ThoughtI marched the lobby, twirled my stick, . . .
The girls all cried, “He’s quite the kick.”
— George Colman the Younger, Broad Grins
TailpieceTwo houseflies met on the ceiling of a luxury apartment in New York.
“Aren’t humans strange?” said one.
“They sure are,” said the other, “but what made you mention it?”
“Well, I was just thinking — they spend a small fortune building a lovely ceiling like this, and then they go and walk on the floor.”
(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)