October 30, 2012

Curse that rotten anchorer

IN ADDITION TO DEATH AND TAXES there is another certainty in life. If you anchor out in some lovely deserted cove, another boat will come along just before nightfall and anchor too close to you.

What to do? Two things — an effigy and a curse.

Make a crude effigy of the offending skipper from modeling clay or putty, and stick push-pins into him as you pronounce this Curse on Those Who Anchor Too Close [1]:

A pox upon you, miserable anchor dropper! (Jab.) May you suffer the torments of the damned. (Jab.) May you rot in hell. (Jab.)

O frightful scum, let there be no sleep for you. (Jab.) O jerk of the first water, let your dreams be nightmares of osmosis, sludge in your tanks, oil in your bilges, and an ever-overflowing holding tank. (Jab.)

May the Coast Guard constantly be boarding you and frightening the very marrow out of your bones. (Jab.)

Yea, let  it be that the jet skis shall find you and plague you with their wakes and deafen you with their exhausts (Jab) and drive you crazy with their banal shouts of joy, until you cry for mercy; and yea, yet shall your cry go unheeded. (Jab.)

O uncomprehending moron, all this and more I heap upon your unperceiving soul (Jab) and may it bring you the sorrows and woes you so richly deserve. So be it.

[1] This is one of several boating-related curses in my book How to Rename Your Boat And 19 Other Useful Ceremonies, Superstitions, Prayers, Rituals and Curses (Paradise Cay Publications).

Today’s Thought
I sent down to the rum mill on the corner and hired an artist by the week to sit up nights and curse that stranger.
— Mark Twain, A Mysterious Visit

“Do you always drink your whiskey neat?”
“No, sometimes my tie goes a bit skew.”

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

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