SOMEONE WANTED TO KNOW if I had kept all my New Year resolutions. Well, now that the solstice is past, it seems safe to reveal that I never manage to keep all my resolutions. Heaven knows, I do my best, and some years I come pretty close, but I wouldn’t be human if I kept them all. I’d be some kind of nautical angel.
To save time and arguments, and for the sake of easy comparison, I use the same set of resolutions every year. Here they are, and you’ll see why some of them are difficult to keep:
► I resolve never to varnish again. I will abide by the John Keats Rule of Varnishing: A Thing of Beauty Is a Job Forever.
► I resolve to wear a harness and safety tether whenever my wife is watching.
► I resolve never to pee over the side again while we’re sailing, unless:
(a) The head is blocked again, or
(b) The holding tank is full again, or
(c) I think nobody’s watching.
► I resolve not to take along a gallon of wine every time we go for a sail, on account of what my wife says happened last time. (However, the cat, an innocent bystander, did recover quite well.)
► I promise, when on a cruise, not to eat all the chocolate before we broach any other supplies. The bitter criticism is not worth it.
► I resolve not to sail rings around other slower boats, unless severely provoked.
► I resolve never again to race people who don’t know we’re racing.
► I resolve (rather unwillingly) not to get testy and shout a little when my wife refuses to jump a mere 6 feet to the dock with a boathook in one hand and the mooring line in the other. Sheesh, every day on the sports networks you see people who can easily jump 18 feet. Grumble, grumble.
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought
— Shakespeare, Hamlet
Two blondes rented a boat and headed out for the day. They came across a beautiful secluded bay and spent most of the day there topless sunbathing. Next week they decided to go back to the same place.
"Did you mark the spot?" asked Blonde 1.
"Yup," replied Blonde 2. "I put a big X on the bottom of the boat."
"You dummy!" said Blonde 1. "What if we don't get the same boat?"
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