February 26, 2015

Why sailing's better than sex

I HAVE ONLY a couple of weeks to clean up my act. The Blogger people, who allow me to post these columns on the Internet for free, have sent me a warning: “On March 23rd, Blogger will no longer allow certain sexually explicit content.”

Well, okay, thanks for the heads-up. While I still have the chance, I’m going to repeat the second of two sexually explicit columns I’ve posted in the past seven years. You saw the first one in my previous post. This is how the second one goes:

THOSE WHO participate in it regularly know that sailing is wonderful, even better than sex. If you’re not a sailor, you might find that hard to believe, but it’s true. Here’s the proof:

• You don’t have to take your clothes off to sail.

• You never have to hide your sailing magazines.

• It’s perfectly acceptable to sail with a professional.

• There’s nothing in the Ten Commandments that discourages sailing.

• When your partner videotapes you sailing, you don’t have to worry that it will show up on the Internet.

• Your sailing partner won’t quiz you about people you sailed with before you were married. Or after.

• It’s quite OK to sail with a perfect stranger.

• When you meet a good-looking sailor in a bar, you needn’t feel guilty about imagining the two of you sailing together.

• There’s no danger that if you sail by yourself you’ll grow hair on your palms and/or go blind.

• You can have a sailing calendar at work without precipitating a sexual harassment suit.

• There are no known sailing-transmitted diseases.

• Sailing never made anyone pregnant.

• When your sailing partner insists upon your bringing protection, any old anorak will do.

• Nobody expects you to sail with one partner for the rest of your life.

• Extra-marital sailing is not grounds for divorce.

• You never have to wonder next morning if your sailing partner still loves you after a one-night sail.

• It isn’t considered kinky to sail with three or four people at a time.

• Nobody slaps your face if you ask: “Do you sail?”

• Your sailing partner will never say, “Not again! We just sailed this morning, for goodness’ sake! Is that all you ever think about?”

Today’s Thought
No office anywhere on earth is so puritanical, impeccable, elegant, sterile or incorruptible as to not contain the yeast for at least one affair, probably more. You can say it couldn’t happen here, but just let a yeast raiser into the place and the first thing you know—bread!
— Helen Gurley-Brown, Sex and the Office

A small-town vicar was asked to lecture the local young girls’ club on Christianity and Sex. But because his wife was very strait-laced, he told her he was going to lecture on sailing.
A few days later, the vicar’s wife met one of the girls in the street. The girl said the vicar’s lecture had been very interesting and informative.
“Huh,” the vicar’s wife snorted, “I can’t imagine what he knows about it. He’s only done it twice. The first time he got sick. The second time his hat blew off.”

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)


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