I mean, everybody knows you don’t
tell your mates on Channel 16 how you’ve just pumped out your holding tank in
the middle of the yacht basin. Everybody knows not to ask the Coast Guard for a
radio check, because it makes them so mad. Everybody knows you never end a
conversation with “over and out.” If it’s over it’s not out. Jeez, make up your
mind.
One thing that might not be so well
known is that you should hold the microphone about two or three inches from
your lips and talk briskly in a deep, gruff, macho voice. You see, the same VHF channels that you use
are also used by loggers, fishermen, rum runners, tugboat skippers and Somali
pirates. These are tough guys, and they
can hear you when you’re calling your yacht-club friends anchored nearby on Happy Daze to come on over for sundowners.
You don’t want those tough guys out there to think you’re effeminate, or a
pushover, or unable to resist a boatload of hairy party-crashers. You need to
sound tough, too.
I can’t vouch for this, but a macho
voice on the radio might also just dissuade the Coasties from boarding you for
a potty inspection. When they call you on Channel 16 and say they’re going to
board you, ask the nice officer if he once signed a statement swearing to
uphold the Constitution of the United States. When he says yes (because they
all have to, you know) ask him why he’s contravening the Fourth Amendment,
which states that he can’t board and search your boat without a warrant from a
judicial official; and that your right to be secure against unreasonable
searches and seizures shall not be violated; and that he needs probable cause,
supported by oath or affirmation, describing the boat to be searched and the
persons or things to be seized. Says so right there in the Constitution,
officer.
They’ll board you, of course. At gunpoint,
if necessary. They don’t worry about contravening the Fourth Amendment because
they have the backing of the Pentagon and those bums in Congress, who will
knowingly ignore the Constitution when it suits their own ends and when the
negligible number of votes from the yachting fraternity is not going to affect
their chances of re-election.
Apart from that, all I can add is
that you should never mention on Channel 16 the name of any boat called M’Aidez.
When I was young and naive — well, that is, even more naive than I am
now — I named my racing dinghy M’Aidez. I thought it was deliciously chic, not to
mention absolutely hilarious. (I told
you I was naive.)
We raced offshore in those days, and
the results of races were sent to the beach party from the committee boat by
VHF radio. It didn’t take long for
everyone to discover that whenever my boat’s name was mentioned in the results,
every marine radio operator within listening distance pricked up his ears and
prepared for action.
God knows what would have happened
if I’d ever needed to be rescued and somebody had broadcast a Mayday for M’Aidez.
Today’s
Thought
For
as laws are necessary that good manners may be preserved, so there is need of good
manners that laws may be maintained.— Machiavelli, Dei Discorsi
Tailpiece
A Hollywood film
unit hired a public relations officer for a movie they were making in Africa.The director explained: “Your job is to promote goodwill. So be sure to humor the locals. If they say Africa is bigger than Texas, don’t argue. Agree with them.”
(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday,
Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)
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