July 2, 2013

News from the transit lounge

AN E-MAIL FROM Ivor Tungin-Cheaque, chairman of Vigor’s Silent Fan Club, says:

O Honorable Lord and Master:

Greetings O Wise and Wonderful One, and allow me to convey certain news items that will undoubtedly be of great interest to you.

I am writing from the transit lounge of Moscow International Airport,  having learned that Edward Snowden is threatening to reveal the identities of billions of members of Vigor’s Silent Fan Club. Apparently, U.S. government security agencies have been collecting data about the biggest club of its kind in the world.

As you in your infinite wisdom are well aware, members of your Silent Fan Club are forbidden to contact you or praise in any way your unmatched intelligence and unrivalled literary skills. Membership is automatic, of course, but it ends with immediate effect if a member is found guilty of admiring your literary skills or trying to contact you with paeans of praise.

I mention this because President Putin popped in yesterday to see if he could persuade Snowden to expunge his name from the Silent Fan Club records. Like other members of the fan club, he is sworn to secrecy and would never praise you in public. He wouldn’t want it revealed  that he is a fan of yours, and thereby earn the public disgrace of being expelled. That would be too damaging to his political career.

But at the same time, he IS an ardent fan of your magificent prose and saintly behavior, which makes things very difficult for him. As a compromise he has refused to admit to Press that he is a Silent Fan and says anyone who reveals that he is, will spend 20 years in the salt mines.

Your eminence will appreciate the delicacy of the matter when I add that Snowden himself is a fan of yours, never having praised you in public, so there is a good chance that he will accede to Putin’s request and remove the Russian president’s name from the Silent Fan Club records.

In return, Putin may allow Snowden to remain in the Moscow transit lounge until Iran grants him asylum and an honorary ayatollahship.

But I am not well versed in the complicated matters of high diplomacy and I am tired from many hours of travel. I need rest and a stiff whisky.

Nevertheless, I am proud to have been of service to you in this manner.

I close with admiration for your sage-like utterances, your ready wit and charm, the subtle thrust and parry of your sparkling repartee, and the wisdom, Solomon-like, that graces your princely brow.
Yours Humbly and Obediently,

IVOR TUNGIN-CHEAQUE (Chairman, Vigor’s Silent Fan Club)
PS: I hope this all makes sense. Frankly I wonder sometimes if it’s even worth chewing through the restraints.

Today’s Thought
The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.
— Charles de Gaulle, former President of France

“Do you know that in some parts of Africa they get rid of ghosts by stabbing a politician at midnight?”
“You mean, a human sacrifice?”
“No, no, only a politician.”

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)


Anonymous said...

Off the meds again John?.....

John Vigor said...

There are no meds strong enough to prevent this sort of thing breaking out every now and then, I'm afraid. But it's harmless enough, I always say, and it helps keep me sane.

John V.