September 26, 2010

Silent Fan problem

A LETTER FROM Ivor Tungin-Cheaque, chairman of Vigor’s Silent Fan Club, says:

O Wise and Wonderful One:

It is with great trepidation, not to say nervous regret, that I have to report the loss of two more members of your Silent Fan Club. As everybody knows, members are forbidden to contact you or praise in any way your unmatched wisdom, your gracious manners, and your unrivalled literary skills. Because membership is automatic until a member is expelled for overtly admiring you, you have the biggest fan club the world has ever known.

Unfortunately, however, the number of your so-called Followers recently jumped from 21 to 23. If I may say so without appearing unduly immodest, I have done exceedingly well to keep the number of Followers down to 23 in the two years you have been writing your Mainly about Boats column.

I have taken the precaution of removing the Followers widget from your blog page. I have made it as difficult as possible for anyone even to know what a Follower is, let alone become one. But your popularity is overwhelming. Despite all the odds, a few determined fans — bursting with admiration for your sage-like utterances, your ready wit and charm, the subtle thrust-and-parry of your sparkling repartee, and the wisdom, Solomon-like, that graces your princely brow — somehow still manage to sign themselves on as Followers. Apparently, these misguided creatures fail to realize that their actions result in instant expulsion from Vigor’s Silent Fan Club, a misfortune almost beyond contemplation. They will never learn the secret handshake, the shortcut to Nirvana, or the one and only guaranteed way to cure weather helm.

I am at a loss to understand what caused a sudden jump from 21 to 23 Followers in the past few days. I am therefore appealing to you, Honorable Sir, to lower your standards a little, to tone it down a bit, lest a further sudden onrush of Followers should ensue. Perhaps a little more mediocrity would help. Some spelling mistakes, maybe. Less brilliant discourse and more fuddy-duddy boredom might be the answer. If you could just merge more closely with the mediocre blogger crowd and deliberately dim your shining talent, it would serve to fend off would-be Followers and keep up the all-important numbers of your magnificent Silent Fan Club whose conscientious members never dream of praising you, fawning upon you, or even mentioning your name.

Yours Humbly and Obediently,

IVOR TUNGIN-CHEAQUE (Chairman, Vigor’s Silent Fan Club)

PS: Please excuse my writing. Now that they tie my hands behind my back in the strait jacket, it gets ever more difficult.

Today’s Thought
The tumultuous love of the populace must be seized and enjoyed in its first transports; there is no hoarding of it to use upon occasions; it will not keep.
— Lord Chesterfield, Account of the Dutch Republic

Boaters’ Rules of Thumb, #99
Height of eye. If you ever get around to using your sextant, the rule of thumb for the height-of-eye correction level in small boats is minus three minutes (-3’). That equates to an actual height above water level of about 8 feet.

“I saw the doctor today about my loss of memory.”
“What did he do?”
“Made me pay in advance.”

1 comment:

Ken said...

I couldn't come up with anything witty to say here but this line...

If you could just merge more closely with the mediocre blogger crowd and deliberately dim your shining talent..

has me rolling with laughter, thanks John