ONE THING I LEARNED about
cruising under sail is that women are especially sensitive about doors on
toilets. When I decided to take a six-month cruise aboard my 30-foot sloop with
my wife and teenage son, it became clear that certain compromises would have to
be made.
Now let me say at the
outset that I favor simple, robust fittings on a sailboat. I don’t think fancy
gadgets make good shipmates. I can get along very well without the trappings of
luxury on a small boat.
Nevertheless, when one is
planning to live in close confinement with one’s wife and 17-year-old son for a
long period of time, certain adjustments, certain fancy gadgets, are called
for. Certain standards prevail below which a wife, at least, will not sink, it
seems.
One such adjustment
concerned our toilet arrangements. The matter first came to light during a
weekend afloat, a practice run for Freelance’s 7,000-mile cruise from Africa to
America, and this “adjustment” was of such a serious nature that my wife made
me record it in the ship’s log, from which I take the following extract:
A special meeting was held
in the main saloon of the yacht Freelance
at 2000 on Friday.
The business on the agenda
was a proposal by the Ship’s Mate “That urgent consideration be given to
providing a solid wooden door for the toilet.”
The Skipper pointed out
(very reasonably, he thought) that a door was a fancy gadget that would be
difficult — nay, almost impossible — to provide.
The Mate said she didn’t
care, she wasn’t going cruising with two males without a door on the head.
The Skipper then proposed
an amendment, saying that male members of the crew would be prepared to make a
solemn promise to repair to the cockpit each and every time the Mate needed to
use the ship’s head.
The Mate expressed
dissatisfaction with this arrangement, saying she feared it would be
impractical on a dark rainy night, for instance, when said male members would
be loath to leave a warm and comfortable saloon to stand around in a cold and
dripping cockpit.
The Skipper then offered
to provide a curtain that would slide across the entrance to the head, thus
ensuring the privacy the Mate seemed to require.
The Mate, on a point of
explanation, then asked the Skipper for his definition of “privacy.”
The Skipper said privacy
was patently present when the occupant of the toilet was invisible to others in
the near vicinity.
The Mate said that in her
humble opinion, which she knew didn’t count for much, “privacy” also
constituted an element of noise-proofing.
The Skipper expressed
surprise that ladies made noises in the loo, saying he thought only men did
that sort of thing.
The Mate said with some
asperity that it was none of his business what ladies did in the loo and would
he kindly get on with the meeting?
The Skipper then pointed
out that, of the seven yachts of the same class as Freelance with which he was acquainted, not one possessed a door to
the toilet. In the confined space of the head, he said, a door could not swing
without hitting the bowl, the wash-basin, the towel rail, the toilet-paper
holder and the gadget that held the baby-wipe dispenser.
The Mate said she did not
care, she wanted a proper door on the loo.
The Skipper, visibly
roused, said he thought it a luxury even to have a toilet on a 30-footer, let
alone one with a door. Good grief, woman, he could list any number of
35-footers that still cling to the good old bucket-and-chuck-it system. It was
just a matter of getting used to it, that was all.
The Mate then called for a
vote.
When all those in favor of
the Mate’s motion were asked to say “Aye,” the Mate said “Aye.”
When all those against the
motion were asked to say “Nay,” the Skipper said “Nay.”
This stalemate was
eventually resolved by the Mate, who repeated her earlier threat not to go cruising
under any circumstances without a solid wooden toilet door.
The Skipper then declared
the meeting closed, and the Mate said if he was planning to have a nightcap at
the yacht club, as usual, he had better come back with a concrete plan for a
loo door.
* *
*
Well, the writing was on
the wall, of course, as well as in the log. So, with grave misgivings, I set
out to design a door for the head. After lots of head-scratching and sketches
on the back of yacht-club menus, I managed to make an odd-shaped piece of
half-inch marine plywood fit the cut-out in the main bulkhead in the saloon.
I hinged it on one side
and cut a small notch so it cleared the bowl of the Lavac toilet. The seat and
the lid of the Lavac protruded farther than the bowl, but rather than end up
with a door looking like a piece of cheese the rats had nibbled, I opted for
the simpler arrangement of lifting the two lids when the door needed to be
opened or closed.
When it was finished, the
door simply separated the saloon from the forward half of the boat, which
included the head, sandwiched between two bulkheads, and the fo’c’s’le.
It was just what the Mate
wanted, apparently. “It’s lovely,” she exclaimed — and promptly jammed it
against the toilet seat.
“Bit awkward to use,” I pointed
out.
“Don’t care,” she said.
“It’s lovely.”
Over the months we became
accustomed to our eccentric loo door, but we did find it necessary to write out
a detailed instruction list for passengers on day-sails. They went like this:
To
Close Toilet Door
(1) First move right out
of toilet area and stand in FORWARD cabin.
(2) Reach into toilet area
and unlatch door from bulkhead.
(3) Lift lid and seat of
toilet into upright position.
(4) Remove portable wash
basin from drop-down flap. Empty contents (if any) into toilet bowl. Raise
drop-down flap to upright position.
(5) Close door and latch
against main bulkhead to starboard.
(6) Move into toilet area
and read list of instructions for use of toilet.
(7) Use toilet.
(8) When finished, close
seacock marked “A.”
To
Open toilet door
(1) Move yourself into
forward cabin.
(2) Reach into toilet area
and unlatch door from main bulkhead.
(3) Wait 30 seconds, or
until hissing noise from toilet has ceased, after which toilet seat should be
raised.
(4) Check that portable
wash basin and flap, if used, are not obstructing movement of door.
(5) Close door and latch
against bulkhead to port.
Even after it was sanded
and varnished, only a mother could truly have loved our loo door. And yet,
after having shared with it some of my most intimate moments, I had to confess
a growing affection for it. When you got everything right first time, and it
swung closed without knocking anything over or jamming on the seat, you
experienced a wonderful glow of satisfaction.
And when you did make the
odd mistake, and it stuck fast half-way open, it taught you humility and
patience, two qualities much to be admired in sea-going people.
And then there was the
fact that it saved our cruise and our marriage. The Mate liked it. That was
really all that mattered.
There came a time, in
fact, when the Mate gave ladies from other boats in our class guided tours of
our loo. They were very envious. Their unthoughtful husbands made them use
curtains. I, on the other hand, was much admired for my sensitivity and
understanding of the feminine nature, and I naturally took all the credit for
thinking of the idea in the first place.
Today’s
Thought
An
occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope
for.
Even
then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks.
— Ogden Nash, Marriage Lines
Tailpiece
A news item in the Walnut Street Gazeout (should be Gazette) says:
“Next Friday night’s
concert in the main cell block will be performed by the pop group Heavy Lift,
and their supporting group, The Truss.”
(Drop
by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)