April 4, 2013

Keeping advertisers happy

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING why we don’t ever conduct a reader survey like everybody else. Well, what they don’t know is that we engage a reputable firm to do surveys for us every year. This way, we can find out who our readers are and collect their e-mail addresses so we can sell them to advertisers.

Here, as a matter of interest, are the salient results of our latest survey conducted on the first day of this month:

Where our readers live.  All over the world, actually. Google Analytics notes that we have readers in 79 countries from Russia through Europe, Africa, and Australia to North and South America — even one reader in Cyprus. (Hope you got your money out of the bank, sir.)

How many readers do we have?  At last count, approximately 25,189 1/2 readers. All of them what Google calls “unique,” especially the half reader, Mr. Hamba Kahle, of Timbuktu, who commented:

“Me no boat. Me learn speak English good your blog.” 

Yes, well, thank you Mr Kahle.  One day you make good English speak, maybe you get nice boat, too.

What gender are our readers? As it turns out, 85 percent are attractive blonde women aged between 19 and 29, and the rest are handsome moneyed men aged 25 to 50.  This audience is an advertiser’s dream.  Okay, we did get three of indeterminate gender but they all came from San Francisco so it doesn’t count.

We asked readers what they’d like to see more of in this blog. Here are a few replies:

Ø “I’d like  to see more poetry. There’s never enough poetry.” — Pansy Thwortleduff, La Jolla, Calif.

—Okay, Pansy, here’s our favorite piece, specially for you:

I wish I was a fairy prince,

And if it came to pass,

I’d climb up all the rocks and trees

And slide down on my . . .  hands and knees   

We can also do The Tale of Sonia Snell and I Had a Hippopotamus and The Little Sparrow Wot Flew Away to Spain and also Eskimo Nell  by request.

Ø “Why don’t you give us more destination pieces?” — Titus Aduxass, Methel Treadwheat, Bucks, UK.  

—Because we don’t like destination pieces and we’re the boss around here so you’re not going to get any destination pieces.

Ø “I don’t like the way you pick on magazine editors. You have a reputation for scurrilous attacks.  What makes you do this?” — Hurt Magazine Editor, Floundering, Texas. 

—Scurrilous magazine editors.

Ø “What about more good news and less bad news?  In fact, more news?” — Fred Fernackerpan, Woollamoolla, Australia. 

—Listen, buster, we can’t afford to pay reporters AND drink beer. Where are your priorities?

Ø “What about quality articles from professional writers, journalists, and authors, written in good English, rather than the illiterate ramblings of anonymous bloggers who just want to see their names in print?” — William Weatherby, Sidney, British Columbia.  

—Are you nuts?  How can an anonymous blogger see his name in print?  Thank about it, man, think about it.  But in any case it’s our policy not to have to pay for writing of any kind when we can steal it from the Internet or con bloggers into parting with it for nothing.

Ø”Hey, how about more eye candy, man? Why don’t you publish pictures of hot girls in bikinis and sailor caps?”  — Arthur Wurtemann, Las Vegas.

—Arthur, it’s just not worth the trouble we get from Emily Pankhurst’s girls. Nag, nag, nag, we never hear the end of it. Anyway, we don’t believe in looking and getting all excited if we can’t touch.

Ø “Do you accept bribes for product placement?” — Montagu Smith, Maine. 

—Don’t know what you’re talking about. If you mean that can of Coke and the Nike seaboots in the painting of Christopher Columbus’s flagship, we can truthfully say we have not received any payment yet.

Ø “I suggest more stories about what cruisers do in the bushes with other cruisers’ wives during evening beach potluck parties in Baja California.” — Interested, Cabo San Lucas, BC.   

—Okay, finally a good idea.  We’ll see what our man in Cabo can come up with.

Ø ”I’d like to see useful tips on where best to sell hot items like 2 hp Honda outboards or small Avon inflatables that fall off the back of a truck.”  — Jan Smithers, Seattle, Wash. 

—We have a friend in LA who takes care of stuff like that for us. He’d like to hear from you. We can’t publish his name but his initials are Spider Gomez.

Ø “How about a wine column for weekend sailors?” — Meredith Blotchett, Toronto, Canada.   

—Take port, Meredith, just port. It travels well. That’s all you need to know. 

Ø “What you need is a doggie column, you know, pets on boats sort of thing, where to poo at sea, etc.”  — Bert Bentwhistle, Miami, Fla.

—Bert, if you must have a pet, get a damn parrot.

Ø “ Please do some articles on How to Please She Who Must Be Obeyed.” — Mike  Falglitch, Little-Mudglop-by-the-Ditch, Kent, UK.      

—Forget it, Mike. It’s impossible. Sail singlehanded.

(And so it goes on. In summary, we’d have to say that this year’s survey was just as useless as ever and a complete waste of time. But it keeps advertisers happy. Apparently they like editors to keep in touch with readers. We’ll have to get an advertiser some time, and see if that is true.)

Today’s Thought
People do not deserve to have good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
— Emerson, Journals

In-depth research undertaken in Britain has revealed the following stages of progress of a new high-tech project:

1 — Wild enthusiasm

2 — Disillusionment

3 — Panic

4 — Search for the guilty

5 — Punishment of the innocent

6 — Reward of the uninvolved

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

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