December 31, 2013

On with the self-promotion

IN FOR A PENNY, in for a pound. Having given you the background to my book, Small Boat to Freedom, I thought I might as well continue the orgy of shameless self-promotion, and spill the beans about how a few others got written.

This time it’s the turn of The Practical Mariner’s Book of Knowledge, Second Expanded Edition (International Marine).

Even after more than 20 years, this book is still one of my best sellers. It began when a man I was teaching to sail in San Diego told me he was going to make a fortune by writing a book of rules of thumb for housewives: rules about ironing and cooking; rules about bringing up children; rules about keeping a slim figure to keep hubby happy; and so on.

I don’t know if he ever did write that book, but after he learned to sail I stole his idea and wrote a book of rules about something I knew quite well because I had a box full of clippings collected over the years from boating magazines: hints and tips about how to do all sorts of nautical things better, quicker, and/or cheaper.  The result is a book with a waterproof cover that modestly proclaims it contains 460 sea-tested rules of thumb for almost every boating situation. 

To quote my publisher: “This is either the most useful book ever designed to entertain, or the most entertaining book ever designed to be useful.” In between the whimsy, however, this book contains the essence of centuries of seafaring experience distilled into a concise reference for sailors and powerboaters.

If I may say so, it makes an appropriate gift for fellow mariners.

Here’s a review by Bernadette Bernon, then editor of Cruising World magazine:    

“John knows well about earning points at sea to put in a black box of experiences, for he has had more than most. His gift as a writer is in being able to translate those experiences for the reader with intelligence, humor, and warmth of spirit. This engaging collection is a testament to that gift, and to one of the finest boating writers at work today.”

Happy New Year
I WISH one and all the very happiest of New Years. Join me in lifting a glass to health, peace, and prosperity for 2014!

Today’s Thought
The writer does the most, who gives his reader the most knowledge, and takes from him the least time.
— C. C. Colton, Lacon: Preface

Tailpiece
“Gloria, did I see you sneak a gentleman into your dorm last night?”
“No, sir, you didn’t. He turned out to be no gentleman.”

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

December 29, 2013

A look behind the scenes

IT HAS BEEN YEARS since the hard-cover version of my book, Small Boat to Freedom, was published, and more than a year since the paperback version came out.  But during that time people have occasionally asked for more details about me, the man behind the book. I have ignored those requests because I am not much of a glory seeker; but one of my publishers recently asked for a fuller resume from me, and I thought I might as well use it here as well, for no better reason than to save me from having to write a new column when I need to be cheering on the Seattle Seahawks on television. (Yeah, they’re beating the Rams into the dust.) 

So let me tell you that there was a time when I had it all: a loving family, a successful career as a newspaper columnist and a comfortable home in Durban, one of South Africa’s loveliest cities. But a repressive apartheid regime and a clampdown by government forces on people’s freedom of expression made me decide to leave the country I loved.

With my wife and seventeen-year-old son, I gave up my life of contentment and security and set sail on a long voyage to America aboard my 31-foot sloop, Freelance. Everything I owned was on that little sloop as we battled our way around the aptly named Cape of Storms and wondered how we were going to smuggle our meager supply of gold Krugerrands out of South Africa and into the United States. And then, when we were stopped in mid-ocean by a U.S. warship, there was the question of my expired visa . . . this is the book that explains it all.

To save myself the shame of praising my own wares, I repeat here a review of Small Boat written by Duncan Spencer and published in the Washington Times: 

“NOT SINCE Robert Manry's "Tinkerbelle" in 1965 has there been a true sailing story as fresh and authentic as John Vigor's Small Boat to Freedom.  A middle-aged man can no longer abide life in South Africa, so he quietly prepares and embarks in secret with wife and son on a tiny sailboat for a new life in America.

“Manry wrote his bestseller after he threw over his safe newspaper job in Ohio and fitted up a tiny sloop vowing to sail the Atlantic. He made it to huge acclaim, carrying the banner for millions of men tied to desks and to tedium while life slips past.

“Mr. Vigor is the worthy successor to that great story. The man is a newspaper reporter and photographer, a sailor and writer of gritty resource, not one of the nabobs of the media. It is his gift to see the world always in the direct bright light of reality, not fogged with egotism or anchored to rank; though an intellectual, he manages to sail, write and work almost completely within the life of physical action. It is no surprise to read that Mr. Vigor's other passion, besides sailing, is bricklaying.

“Which is the secret of his escape and his success in the remarkable small boat voyage he undertook in 1987. Why did he wait so long to write of it?

“Because, he says, the terrorist attack on the United States on September 11 spurred him into action lest Americans "give away their hard won individual rights and freedoms almost as easily as they distribute candy at Halloween."

“Mr. Vigor reveals the strange burdens borne by the white South African, despised and feared by black Africans, simply despised by Europeans (and most Americans), and thwarted in the normal transactions of life by numerous sanctions put in place to "punish" the apartheid regime of his first adopted land.

“No matter that he wrote for an anti-apartheid paper; that he foresaw the long and difficult years ahead for white South Africans as the races adapted to a profound shift of power. As he writes, "Whites who left South Africa at that time were treated almost as traitors." Those who stay must accustom themselves to a life of watchfulness and fear; the years of subjugation had made enemies of everyone with a white skin.

“Restrictions led him to sneak out of the country with his meager life savings in gold Krugerrands hidden aboard his tiny 31-foot sailboat. "It was my idea to go in our own boat. I reasoned that when we got to America, we'd have a home to live in and a mobile base from which to start looking for work," he writes.

“While other whites felt trapped in South Africa, Mr. Vigor had less reason to. He was English, one of the thousands who immigrated to South Africa for opportunities. His wife June was an American born far from the sea in Utah. His son Kevin was about to graduate from high school. And neither, though practiced sailors, had ever spent a night offshore in a small boat. Mr. Vigor builds his story like he builds a brick wall, methodically, neatly, logically. There are no literary frills, just straight rather humble reporting.

“Step by step he prepares; selling his house, finding a boat, accumulating the gold coins to thwart currency export restrictions, readying his wife and son. The voyage itself is what you would expect from an extremely competent and cautious seaman with his family as crew. The sea is immense; it is boring and terrifying. Like many small boat voyages, Vigor's is a triumph over storm, frustration and adversity, a severe test of a marriage and a study of father-son relationships in extreme circumstances.

“In this age when some people part saying, ‘be safe,’ Mr. Vigor's book shows what people with skill, energy and expertise can still accomplish in the world with little money and no help. Mr. Vigor and his crew and the little yacht Freelance make it across the South Atlantic - taking over three months - to Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

The family thrives modestly in America after moving to the Northwest, he as a freelance writer, she as a copy editor. Mr. Vigor never sought publicity, and never got any. This slim book is his story told at last. June Vigor says she never wishes to embark on an ocean voyage again - but the couple still sail together.”

Today’s Thought
We are all sailors on the spaceship Earth.
— Frank Braynard, Newsweek, 4 Jul 76

Tailpiece
“Any Royalty in your family?”
“No, but I had an uncle who was a Peer.”
“Really? I had an uncle with bladder trouble, too.

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

December 26, 2013

Better to cling like a monkey

IT CAN BE QUITE A SURPRISE to see how much safety gear there is aboard some yachts, and how little aboard others. A lot of it has to do with the owner’s philosophy.

In the middle of the last century, when men such as Marcel Bardiaux and Bernard Moitessier were sailing around the world, they spurned even such elementary safety features as stanchions and lifelines.

“They give you a false sense of security,” Moitessier once told me.  “they catch you below the hip. They can catapult you overboard. Better to learn to cling like a monkey, like me.”

Times have changed, of course,  It’s difficult now to find a yacht that doesn’t have lifelines. But the old spirit hasn’t vanished entirely.  Some of the safest boats afloat have the simplest equipment — but it’s combined with a thorough knowledge of how to use it, should the need arise.  It’s pretty pointless to own thousands of dollars’ worth of lifesaving gear if you and your crew haven’t practiced using it.

So be very careful when choosing safety equipment. Safety is an emotional subject and store clerks know this. Try not to buy anything you can’t imagine yourself attempting to use in pitch darkness on a stormy night.

As for lifelines and tethers, I believe in them thoroughly. Bardiaux and Moitessier were sailing’s heroes, sailing’s supermen. The rest of us need all the help we can get.

Today’s Thought
Heroes may not be braver than anyone else. They’re just braver five minutes longer.
— Ronald Reagan, 40th U.S. President

Tailpiece
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)  

December 24, 2013

I think Christina likes me

A READER IN FLORIDA wants to know how my actinic keratosis is getting on. (That’s the stuff you get on the back of your hands after years of handling the tiller in hot sunshine.) He also wants to know how I knew I had it. Well, I didn’t, actually. I only found out after our nice government decided we should all get a free “wellness” check-up once a year, both mental and physical.

I duly presented myself at the doctor’s office where a nurse asked me to remember three unrelated words — house, car, apple — and made me draw a picture of a clock at 9:45.  She rejected my cunning offer to draw a digital clock and said I had to draw one with hands, which I duly did, although it’s harder than you might think. I was congratulating myself on passing the test when she asked me to repeat the three words she’d asked me to remember.

Well, I didn’t do too badly. I remembered the first one, anyway, and she wrote down on a piece of paper that I could satisfactorily tie my own shoelaces and find my way home. Then she asked when last I had seen a dermatologist for a check-up.  I said I couldn’t remember — not because of memory loss or anything, but because it had been a long time.

So off I went to a dermatologist. She turned out to be a lady dermatologist called Christina. As is only natural before a shy person like me is required to show one’s naked body to a strange female, I looked her up on the internet. She was in her thirties and rather good-looking, but I read with some foreboding that she had done her internship in a military hospital in Texas, so I resolved to be on my best behavior because I know that military doctors have no bedside manners and expect to be obeyed immediately.

Her nurse gave me one of those ridiculous hospital gowns with string ties and told me to get undressed.

When Christina entered the room I saluted and drew myself up mannishly to my full five-foot-whatever inches. 

“You’ve got your gown on back-to-front,” she said. 

“I can’t tie knots behind my back,” I explained. “It’s a man thing.”

She checked me out all over.  Then she took both my hands in hers and looked deep into my eyes. I looked back and blushed.

“You’ve got actinic keratosis,” she said, pointing to little bits of dried skin on the back of my hands.

I’d read about that, and I wanted to impress her with my knowledge. “That’s the stuff that makes jellyfish glow at night, isn’t it?” I said.

“No, it’s a precursor to skin cancer,” she said. “I’ll prescribe some ointment. You can get dressed now. I want to see you again. Come back in six months.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I snapped, reaching for my drawers.

I take this to mean she likes me and I look forward to our next meeting. I am very pleased with Obamacare.

As for my actinic keratosis, it’s gone now.  I’ll have to invent some other excuse if I want to keep seeing Dr. Christina.

Holiday greetings
Happy holidays to all my faithful readers.  And here’s wishing you health, peace, and prosperity throughout the New Year.

Today’s Thought
We are rapidly becoming a land of hypochondriacs, from the ulcer-and-martini executives in the big city to the patent medicine patrons in the sulfur-and-molasses belt.
— Dr. Vincent Askey, former President, American Medical Association

Tailpiece
If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

December 22, 2013

The busy time of year

THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR when many are so busy with parties and presents and family and Christmas trees that their boats tend to be neglected. It's not such a bad thing, as long as the neglect is not long-lasting. The solstice is past us now. Old man sun is on the way back. Boating fever can resume with fervor after a refreshing break, and we can all look forward to a new season of sailing in the coming spring.

As long as there has been Christmas, it has been thus. A hundred years ago, this is what Thomas Fleming Day, editor of The Rudder, had to say about it:

"When Winter gets up his hook and stands offshore, the boat fever comes on strong and the itch to be away on the blue again takes hold of us. Sunday finds the boys sidling off towards the yards and wading around in the slush looking over the laid-up craft.

"They walk round and round them, peer at the stern, eye the bow, comment on the spars, find fault with the bottom, and curse the price that makes it not for them. Year after year this is our amusement. Spring after spring we go through the same yards, see the same boats, and express the same opinions regarding their appearance and condition. If those boats have ears, how tired they must get, how weary of the silly comments that the boat-fevered busybody makes each March under their hulls.

“A few weeks after, the yard is almost cleared, except here and there a poor old cripple or rich man's forgotten plaything is left standing surrounded by a raffle of timber and truck. Over by the fence, lying on its side, is a once crack-a-jack racer, too rotten to be moved and going rapidly to punk.

"And we look on her and think of the days when we will be lying up against the fence, dismantled and broken, while our successors are out cleaving the blue and making a mainsheet haul of health and happiness." 

 Ø Well, he ended up a little maudlin, there, didn't he? I guess he was rather depressed after a Christmas that had gone on too long and kept him away from his boat.

But we, as his successors, can look forward happily to cleaving the blue once again. So Happy Christmas. Happy Hanukah. Happy Kwanzaa.
 
Today's Thought
Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want — and their kids pay for it.
— Richard Lamm, former Governor of Colorado.

Tailpiece
"My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker."
"Your girlfriend thinks that?"
"Yeah, well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet."

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

December 19, 2013

Recovering a lost anchor

IF YOU WANT to call yourself a sailor, you really should know how to recover a lost anchor.  Here, in the words of a very old salt, is the way they used to do it in the days before you could effect a quick and painless replacement by flashing a credit card in a West Marine store:

You will need two boats, an oarsman in each. Fasten a weight to the middle of a long, heavy line to keep it down; also, position weights about 10 feet from the middle.

Fasten the ends of the line to the two boats, coiling it loosely in each. Row to windward of the estimated position of the anchor, then row the boats away from each other to run out the line so it will be stretched just off the bottom. Row the boats down toward the estimated position of the anchor.

When the bight of the line catches on the anchor’s fluke, cross the boats to take a round turn around the fluke. Make a running bowline at the end of another line, around the drag line, weight it so it sinks, and slip it down. When the bowline is fast to the fluke, pull up the anchor.

There. Ta-da! Nothing to it!

Today’s Thought
The wonder is always new that any sane man can be a sailor.
— Emerson, English Traits

Tailpiece
“Waiter, is this tea or coffee? It tastes like turpentine.”
“Oh, it must be the tea, sir. The coffee tastes like kerosene.”

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)

December 17, 2013

Why yacht stuff costs more

IT HAS BECOME something of a rite for sailing people to complain that anything labeled as having to do with a yacht automatically costs more. It’s true that some retailers deliberately raise their prices for what they perceive to be rich boating customers. I have been in a hardware store belonging to a large national chain where the identical 3M masking tape cost 10 percent more in the boating aisles than it did in the household paint section a few feet away. People tell the same story about paint, paint stripper, stainless-steel bolts, and many other items.

But that’s not the real reason why yachting gear costs so much. Price-gouging aside, there are two good reasons why it’s more expensive. Firstly, it mostly needs to be of higher quality, since everything on a boat works in the most atrocious conditions of high humidity, salt-laden air, galvanic action, ultra-violet rays, rain, and often snow and ice.

I’d feel much happier about trusting my life to the quality-tested shackle that’s pulling me up the mast than I would the cheap knock-off from the Far East.

Secondly, the boating market is a comparatively small one in which marine manufacturers don’t gain the same benefits of high-quantity production that others enjoy.

So when it comes to masking tape and paint stripper, buy cheap if you must. But when it has to do with safety or longevity, buy only the best yachting quality. Grin and bear it.

Today’s Thought
Cheat me on the price and I shall dislike you; cheat me on the quality and I shall hate you.
— Anonymous boat owner

Tailpiece
You wouldn’t worry half as much about what people think of you if you knew how seldom people think of you.

(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about Boats column.)