A LETTER FROM Ivor
Tungin-Cheaque, Chairman of Vigor’s Silent Fan Club, says:
Honorable Sir,
A dilemma of considerable
proportions has raised itself in regard to membership of your Silent Fan Club.
As you well know, members are forbidden to contact you or praise in any way
your unmatched wisdom and unrivalled literary skills. Because membership is
automatic from birth, you have the biggest fan club the world has ever known.
But a recent newspaper article has given me cause
for concern about the exploding world population. The article said that the
Real Madrid soccer club is claiming to have 45 million fans. This is nothing
compared with Vigor’s Silent Fan Club, which numbers its fans in the billions —
but the implications are alarming
Since enrolment in your honor’s club is automatic, there
have never been never been more members of Vigor’s Silent Fan Club. Nor has
there been so great a demand on our administrative services. Never before have
we struggled so valiantly to keep track
of new members and expel those few who break their vows of silence.
It is obvious, however, that the more the world population
grows, the greater the chance that some members will break their vows of silence
by reading your columns and publicly praising you. They will then have to be
expelled.
This means that as the club grows, so its numbers
will decline. This is a vexing paradox.
My humble suggestion is that you should immediately
start toning down the the cleverness of your columns and the skill with which
you wield the editorial pen. If your fans find less to admire in your writing,
the less likely they will be to give in to their instinct to burst into
ill-considered praise.
I shall, of course, keep you
informed of developments.
I close with admiration for your
sage-like utterances, your ready wit and charm, the subtle thrust and parry of
your sparkling repartee, and the wisdom, Solomon-like, that graces your
princely brow.
Yours Humbly and Obediently,
IVOR TUNGIN-CHEAQUE (Chairman,
Vigor’s Silent Fan Club)
PS: I hope this makes sense. They’re replacing
the padding in my cell and it’s very distracting.
Today’s Thought
To
communicate through silence is a link between the thoughts of man.
— Marcel Marceau, US News & World Report, 23 Feb 87
Tailpiece
“My husband is so
careless about his appearance. He just can’t seem to keep buttons on his
clothes.”
“Maybe the buttons
weren’t sewn on properly in the first place.”
“Oh, you may have a
point there. He’s terribly careless with his sewing, too.”
(Drop by every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for a new Mainly about
Boats column.)
I think the letter was written by one I.P.Knightly who given to "Taking the Piss".
ReplyDeleteNice one, Mr. Smith. It took me a minute or two but it hit me eventually.
ReplyDeleteCheers,
John V.
Wait, if the president of the silent fan club just publicly praised your writing, does that mean that he's kicked out?
ReplyDeleteUm, Jarm, you are imposing logic in a scenario designed merely to add verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative. Logic and veracity are not applicable in the case of the president of the Silent Fan Club. Somebody has to be the exception otherwise the whole darned thing collapses. And, as you must surely know, it's the exception that proves the rule. Okay?
ReplyDeleteCheers,
John V.