The winds are fading

WORRIED SCIENTISTS are now saying that winds all over the world are getting lighter. They’re not sure why, but some, inevitably, are blaming global warming.

Well I can tell them what’s causing it. It’s not global warming. It’s all these wind farms people are building. All those windmills sticking up in the air, the ones the posh people call turbines. The ones that generate electricity. The ones that are sticking up where nothing was sticking up before.

I suspected this would happen all along. I reckon the wind has been slowing down since the heyday of the old windjammers. It’s only logical because the earth isn’t spinning as fast as it used to. It’s slowing down.

I suppose you all know that wind is caused by the rotation of the earth. It’s the surface of the earth sliding past the lowest layers of the atmosphere that causes wind.

Now it’s quite obvious that the more things you stick up into the air, the more you’re going to slow down the earth. The first law of science is that you get nothing for nothing. So if you’re going to stick up four masts into the sky and drive a ship around the world, you’re going to pay for it somehow. The added drag is going to slow down the earth’s rotation. I’ve been worrying about this ever since I realized it one day in science class at school, but nobody ever listens to me.

What happened in my case was that the number of sailing ships decreased dramatically when steamships took over, so there was a respite for a while that made nonsense of my theory and everybody poked fun at me and said how stupid I was.

But now, suddenly, we’re sticking up thousands of whirring windmills instead of masts, and the scientists are (wait for it) wondering why the winds are slowing down. Can you believe it? Well, you and I could try to explain it to them, of course, but I for one won’t bother. They wouldn’t understand. They’re very slow learners.

Today’s Thought
For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.
—Old Testament, Hosea, viii,7

Tailpiece
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
I don’t wonder what you are
I surmised your spot in space
When you left your missile base.
Any wondering I now do
Centers on the price of you.
How I shudder when I think
What you’re costing me per twink.
—William Pratt.